(Friends don't let friends go
A ventriloquist was making fun of Auburn Fans with his dummy at a bar. Then an angry Barner stood up, rolled up his sleeves ,and yelled, "I resent that!"
The ventriloquist started apologizing... The Barner looked at him and said, "You stay outta this, I'm talking to the guy on your lap!!!!
This guy walks into Toomers Drug in Auburn, sits down at the Soda Fountain and orders a Grilled Veggie Hoagie. The Waiter looks at the man and says "You're not from round here are ya?"
"No" replied the man, "I'm from Pensylvania." The Waiter looks at him and says "Well what do you do in Pensylvania?"
"I'm a taxidermist." said the man. The waiter, looking very bewildered, now asked "What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?" The man looked at the bar tender and said "Well, I mount dead animals."
The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole store which is staring at him "It's okay, boys! He's one of us!"
The Auburn University vet school acquired a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very "in the mood", and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the administrators noticed Ed, a part-time student intern, responsible for cleaning the animals' cages.
Ed, like most Barners, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of ANY species. So, the administrators thought they might have a solution.
Ed was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Ed showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day, Ed announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her.
Secondly, you must never tell anyone about this."
The administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.
"Well," said Ed, "You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500."
||There was this AU teacher who was
yelling at his class because they were so incredibly lazy, "I
wouldn't be surprised if 50% of you flunk this math class," he said.
One of the students put up his hand. "But professor, there aren't
that many in this class," he said.
||Auburn Tigers 2011 Football Schedule
September 11.....Honeysuckle Middle School
18.....Cub Scout Troop 101
25.....Alabama Blind Academy
October 2......Spanish American War Vets
9......Crippled Childrens Home
16.....St Cloud Home for Wayward Girls
23.....Girl Scout Troop 469
30.....Columbus VD Clinic 43
November 6......Montgomery Boys Choir
13.....Korean War Amputees
20.....VA Hospital Polio Patients
27.....Utopia Gay Boys of SF
RULE CHANGES FROM LAST YEAR:
1. When playing the polio patients, the Tigers must not disconnect leg
2. When playing the girl scouts, the Tigers must not eat their cookies.
3. When playing the blind academy, the Tigers must not hide the
football under their jerseys.
4. When playing the Korean War Amputees, the Tigers must not file any
protests about players with one leg being hard to tackle.
RULES SAME AS LAST YEAR:
1. A touchdown, (this is when the ball is carried over the goal line
for you Tiger fans), is still worth 21 points for the Tigers.
2. The Tigers will play with 27 men on the field.
3. The Tigers will be allowed to use band members for substitutes.
4. The Tigers will be allowed 20 time-outs.
5. A first down for the Tigers is 3 yards.
||A man takes his wife, (who use to be an
Auburn Cheerleader) hunting, and impresses on her again and again that
"If you shoot a deer, don't let someone else claim that they shot it
also and that since they killed it... it's their deer!"
So ... he's in his stand hardly for 10 minutes when he hears his wife
shooting nearby. He rushes over to her stand to find her pointing her gun
at a man who is loudly disclaiming... "It's your deer lady..It's your
deer... Just lemme get my saddle off it!!!!"
||An Auburn man joined the Army. As part of his
basic training, he went out on the rifle range. He fired 99 shots at the
target, and missed the target with every shot! His Drill Instructor tried
to find out why.
"What's the matter with you?" asked the DI. "Why can't
you hit the target? What were you in civilian life?"
"I was a telephone man," replied the new recruit, "and I
don't know why I can't hit the target. Let me see..."
The telephone man checked his rifle, checked his rifle again, and
checked his rifle a third time. He then put his finger in front of the
muzzle, pulled the trigger, and blew the end of his finger off!
"Well," the phone man said, writhing in pain, "the
bullets are leaving here fine. The trouble must be on the other end!"
||Q. What is the difference between an Auburn
Fan and a puppy?
A. Puppys eventually stop whining.
||An Auburn City lawyer was representing the
railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old farmer livin' outside Tuscaloosa.
The farmer's prize bull was missing from the section through which the
railroad passed. The farmer only wanted to be paid the fair value of the
bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the farmer and tried to
get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and
finally the farmer agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the
farmer had signed the release and took the check, the Auburn lawyer
couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the farmer,
"You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on
you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and
the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that
morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed
you!" The old farmer replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young
feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because
that durned bull came home this morning."
||It was the first day of Grade Three in a new
town for Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked
each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high
as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny,
however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without
He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had
done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to
recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way
through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Johnny rattled
off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once
again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad,
knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Auburn,
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.
Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed
overly "well endowed". This confused him. That night he told his
Dad. "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times
bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Auburn?" he asked.
"No, son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're
Talking to athletic director David Housel, "Dave, I
need a raise," Tommy Tubberville pleaded.
"Hell, Coach," he shrugged, "We just hired you, and
you make more money than the entire English department. How can I
justify giving you a raise?"
"I'll show you what I have to put up with," the coach
replied, opening the office door and calling in Demontray
Carter, the team's star tailback. "Son," the coach said to
the player, "run over to my office and see if I'm there."
"Sure, Coach." Twenty minutes later, the winded
athlete returned. "No, sir, Coach,"
he panted, "you ain't there."
Thanking the player and sending him back to practice, the coach
turned to the Housel and asked, "Now do you understand?"
"I sure do," he agreed. "The dumb sob could have
An Auburn Man goes to Georgia and buys a ticket and wins
the lottery. He goes to Columbus to claim it where the man verifies his
ticket number. The Aubie says "I want my $20 million." To
which the man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give
you a million today, and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next
19 years." The Aubie said, "Oh, no. I want all my money
RIGHT now! I won it, and I want it." Again the man
patiently explains that he would only get a million that day and the rest
during the next 19 years. The Aubie, furious with the man, screams
out, "Look, I WANT MY MONEY!! If you're not going to give me my $20
million "right now," THEN I WANT MY DOLLAR BACK!!
||One year when the Tigers were having the
Annual Auburn Meeting (where the freshmen, sophomores, juniors, and
seniors of Auburn get together) in a cow pasture, the Senior Class
President started a speech. He was interrupted by a Alabama man which came
over the hill and yelled "Auburn Sucks!" The Senior Class
President said to the freshmen "Get that guy."
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the
freshmen got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was
silent. The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled
"Auburn Tigers are stupid!"
The Senior Class President said to the sophomores "Get that
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the
sophomores got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it was
The same man came back over the hill and this time yelled "Auburn
Fans are a bunch of fags!"
The Senior Class President said to the rest of them "Get that
The man ran back over the hill where he couldn't be seen. When the juniors
and seniors got there, there was screaming and bloody cries and then it
One of the seniors came crawling back and said "It was a trick, there
were two of them."
||An Auburn student wanted to join the
College baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a
chance. "I will give you three questions," said the coach.
"If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on
the team." "Fair enough!" said the student eagerly. The
coach proceeded, "Here are your questions. First, how many days are
there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds
are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red
Nosed Reindeer?'" Next week, the student came back, feeling all
confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said,
"So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?" The Auburn
Student said, "Two!" "Very good!" said the coach. And
what are they?" "Today and Tomorrow!" "Hmm...
OK," said the coach. "How many seconds are there in a
year?" "Twelve!" "Twelve? How did you come up with
twelve?" The coach was perplexed. "Well," said the student,
"there's the second of January, the second of February, the second
of..." "Um.. OK," broke in the coach. "How many d's in
'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'" "Oh, that is easy!"
laughed the Auburn Student. "Three hundred and sixty-five!"
"WHAT?" cried the coach. "How did you get that
figure?" To which the Auburn Student sang, "dee dee dee-dee-dee
An Alabama Fan is driving with an Auburn Fan as his passenger, when he
decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be
working. He asks the Auburn Fan if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car
to check the lights while he tests them. The Auburn Fan steps out and
stands in front of the car.
The Alabama Fan turns on the turn signal and asks, Is it working?"
To which the Auburn Fan responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not
working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
||Upset about losing his Job at Auburn, Terry
Bowden was rushed to the Emergency room after attempting suicide by
drinking a bottle of Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill Wine and swallowing a
hand full of Nitroglycerin pills. When asked about the bruises
on his head and check, he said they were from running into the wall in an
attempt to make the Nitro explode.
||An Auburn Football Player and his date are
walking along in a park. His date says suddenly, "Awww, look at the
dead birdie". The Auburn Player stops, looks up, and says,
||The Auburn Cheerleader reported for her
final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She
takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for
five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out,
removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet -
Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done
whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few
minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and
sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is
going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking
||An Auburn Cheerleader came home and complained
of the high gas prices.
And furthermore, she was really tired of having to by 'that old gas'.
"I always have the buy the gas from '87, it's all I can afford.
It would really be nice to be able to buy some of the newer gas,
like the '89 or even the '91. As a matter of fact, I was wondering:
Why haven't they made any gas since 1991?"
Huntsville, AL(AP) Little hero
Contributed by Nancy, visit her Bubblicious
Two boys are playing football in Big Springs Park when one is
attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips
off a board of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists,
breaking the dog's neck. A reporter from the Huntsville Times, who
was strolling by
sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Bama
Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his
notebook. "But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replied.
"Sorry, since we are in North Alabama I just assumed you
were." said the reporter and starts again.
"Little Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" he
continued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Auburn fan
either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in the Area was
either for Bama or Auburn. What team do you root for?" the reporter
asked. "I'm a Tennessee fan." the child said. The reporter
starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Hillbilly
Bastard Kills Beloved Family Pet."
Contributed by Wayne Grantham
An Alabama football player and an Auburn player were both in jail the night
before the big game. The Alabama player said" Man we have to get out
of here so we can play tomorrow. The Auburn player said "If we only
had a ladder we could climb our the skylight. The Bama player said we
don't have a ladder but I have a flashlight. I'll turn on the light, shine
the beam out the skylight and you can climb up the beam out the skylight and
unlock the door. The Auburn player said "No"! Why asked
the Bama player? I'm afraid I'll fall said the Auburn player. How
will you do that said the Bama player? If the batteries go dead or you
turn off the light I won''t have anything to hold on to!
Mistaken Horse Identity
Two Auburn grads had bought a couple of horses that they used to make some
money during the summer. But when winter came, they found that it cost too much
to board them. So they turned the horses loose in a pasture where there was
plenty to eat. "How will we tell yours from mine when we pick them
up?" the first Auburn guy asked.